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“No one can make you feel inferior without your consent” – Eleanor Roosevelt.

| Mairead

To celebrate the inauguration of a new president in America I started reading Barack Obama’s book Dreams From My Father. In it there’s a story about his father (also named Barack) at college in Hawaii in 1961 or 1962. 

One night he, his father-in-law and some friends went out for a drink. There was a white man at the bar who was annoyed that a non-white was allowed to drink at the same bar. He voiced his opinions loudly. (This was within six years of Rosa Parks being arrested for saying no, on a bus, to racial segregation.) Barack Snr. heard the comments as did his friends, who anticipated a fight. Instead, he went over to the man and “proceeded to lecture him about the folly of bigotry, the promise of the American dream and the Universal rights of man”. It ended peacefully. Something about this story got me thinking.

 

At the Access your Calm course we touched on The Four Agreements by Don Miguel Ruiz, in particular the Book of Law, a metaphorical list of rules that we each learned as children and still carry around with us. As children we were taught to obey the laws and we still feel guilty if we disobey them. Unfortunately, it’s easy to disobey them, as the laws often contradict each other. So we find ourselves feeling guilty a lot.  We’re stuck in the “be a good child” mode and if we’re breaking the rules then we’re not being a good child. Of course in the grownup world where we live we don’t want everyone to know that we’re not good so we cover up. We act “normal” and discuss our good beliefs and what should be everyone’s beliefs. But underneath it all we believe we’re “bad”, because we can’t keep the rules, all the rules. So, when we are accused of some “fault” and we are upset, it is because beneath our carefully held veneer of acting normal, we believe the accusation. 

 

For example, you’re taking a coffee break in the kitchen at work and a colleague passes and jokes, “You’re always in here, do you ever do any work?” and then continues on walking. Depending on your Book of Law rules, you may or may not take offense at this remark. For example if one of your rules says Be conscientious and another Don’t be lazy, then you will probably take offense. And you may carry the pain of it around with you all day (long after the colleague has forgotten their throw away remark). You may say and believe  “she hurt me”, but in truth you have hurt yourself. By the way, this is true even if the colleague believed what she said, but that’s her issues!

 

 

We can realise that the Book of Law is just an illusion, albeit one that was very necessary when we were growing to maturity. Now we can write our own book and it will include some of the old rules and some new. And crucially, we can trust that we are intrinsically good, and begin to believe that as a new rule.

 

So when I read the story about Barack’s dad I saw it like this – When Barack Obama Snr. heard the racist remarks directed to him he did not believe them. He didn’t have any rules in his Book of Law about skin colour, he didn’t have any rules about him being less than or repressed by, white people. Barack Obama Snr was the son of an elder of his tribe on the shores of Lake Victoria in Kenya. He won a scholarship to study in Nairobi and was selected by Kenyan leaders and American sponsors to attend University in America and afterwards to return to Kenya. He was the first African student at the University of Hawaii and he graduated within three years, top of his class. He trusted that he was intrinsically good and he believed that as a rule. 

 

In summary – An opinion about you doesn’t shake you, hurt you, or offend you – unless you believe it.

 

When the remark was made at the bar, Obama Snr. saw it for what it was – an uneducated and flawed opinion, and he set about reeducating the individual! No offense was taken, as the person was obviously (to Obama) misguided. Obama Snr. had the option to walk away, or stay and teach. He choose to stay and teach. Fighting wasn’t an option, there was nothing to fight for, nothing to defend. 

 

The next time someone “hurts you” or “offends you”, would it be useful to consider that they have given you some valuable information? Have they have uncovered a rule from your Book of Law that you believed you were guilty of breaking? 

 

You have a choice – be offended and blame “them” …… or …… become aware of your conflicting rules. What would be the most useful choice for you? 

 

“The only thing worse than being talked about is not being talked about”

Oscar Wilde.

 

I met my friend Monica, for lunch today and we discussed this topic. She recalled a situation that occurred over 25 years ago. She was living abroad with her husband and young daughter. One day she discovered that a “friend” was spreading a rumour that Monica’s husband was not the father of their daughter. My friend thought this hilarious as her daughter looked so like her husband no sane person could doubt her parentage. And of course Monica herself also knew for sure who the father was. So rather than feel offended, my friend was chuffed (like Oscar Wilde) that she was being talked about!

The story of Zac and the pooh.

| Mairead

During December I spent some time with my nine year-old niece, who seems to attract trouble, skillfully! She has inspired me to write the following story. (By the way, my sister, her Mum, discovered that she had started to re-write the story using a new spelling for the stuff that was attracted to Zac. She guessed adults might not like the word poo….. I respect my neice’s wisdom so I have changed the spelling in the following version.)

Story for Caoimhe.

Once upon a time there was a little boy who had an unusual skin problem, pooh of all kinds was attracted to him. Wherever he went pooh flew to him like iron filings to a magnet. His Mum and Dad and his Granny cleaned off this pooh so that the boy could walk among the people of the village without being laughed at or shunned. But the boy hated this cleaning. He shouted and raged against his parents and Granny. You see he didn’t know that he was constantly covered in pooh and he didn’t smell it. One day he was so angry (about the cleaning) that he ran out into the garden and screamed and screamed. When he finally got tired of screaming he stopped and immediately heard a quiet voice whisper,

“Zac, would you like to see my magic mirror?”

Over by the compost heap stood a little fairy girl and in her hand was a tiny little mirror. The little boy was astonished because he had never seen a fairy before and he didn’t realise fairy’s could speak.

“Yes, please”, he whispered.

So the fairy girl held up the mirror in her two hands and Zac looked in, and for the first time he saw that he was covered in pooh. He jumped back in fright and landed in a patch of carrots, on his bum. He was very surprised and nearly missed what the fairy girl said next.

“Now Zac, look as I turn the mirror over.”

And he looked and what he saw was so… so…. so…. beautiful and so handsome and so lovely that he smiled – a very big smile. And when he smiled that very big smile he saw himself in the mirror shining like a bright light for everyone to see and admire. Then the fairy girl whispered,

“Zac, its time to let go of the pooh.”

But the little boy didn’t know how to do that so the fairy girl gave him instructions:

“First, every day for the next 21 days while your Mum and Dad and Granny clean off the pooh you have to stand very still. Second, after the 21 days are up, come out here and meet me again and I will give you my magic mirror and further instructions.”

Zac did exactly as he was told and 21 days later returned to the spot by the compost heap where the fairy girl was waiting. She held up the mirror and he saw how gorgeous he was and when the mirror was turned over he saw that he was gorgeous on that side too.

“How come I look so great on both sides, now?”, he asked…. and the fairy girl replied, “Because now, Zac, you are as beautiful on the outside as you always were on the inside.”

And the fairy girl gave Zac the mirror and told him to check from time to time how he was doing on the outside, but to always know that, “you are beautiful, radiant, and shining always, always, always on the inside, where it matters.”

From that day on only small bits of pooh clung to Zac and when he looked in the mirror and realised they were there, he stood still and cleaned them off, himself. But always, always when he looked at the other side of the mirror he was beautiful, handsome, gorgeous and radiant.

The End.

What programs are you running?

| Mairead

I’m reading a lot at the moment, and different ideas are popping into my head. I’ve started to call this “organic study.” One of the books I’ve been reading is called Using your Brain for a Change by Richard Bandler. He was the architect, back in the 70’s, along with John Grinder of Neuro Linguistic Programming (NLP). There is one quote in the book which I particularly love,

“People aren’t broken, they work perfectly. The important question is, How do they work, now? So that you can help them to work perfectly in a way that is more pleasant and useful.”

I love that, it makes me feel better – I am working perfectly. I’m working perfectly to get the results I get at the moment. If the results I get at the moment are unpleasant or not useful, then how I work has to change. Just how I work.

That reminded me….. I used to be a software programmer in the 80’s in a company in Dublin. I worked with interesting people and I loved solving problems, but other than that I hated my job! People were always complaining. Well, to be exact, the users who used the programs I wrote were always complaining to me!  (The programmers called the people who used the programs “users” and the users called us “computer experts” as in, “Well you’re supposed to be the computer experts, aren’t you?”) The programs never seemed to do what the users wanted them to do.

Let me, in my defense, explain the problem. The users I dealt with were from the finance department, and they needed programs to analyse their financial figures. For example, they might need a report showing how much the company spent on parts in the last quarter, with details sorted by supplier. Nowadays all this can be done easily in (probably) half an hour on a laptop by someone who’s done a day course in databases. Back in the 1980’s there was a special room to house the computer and another room to house the programmers and a simple program might take a week to complete!

In order for someone from finance to get a simple report they first had to explain to me what they wanted on their report. They had to do that in a way that a non-financial person (me) would understand. I, for my part had to ask questions to understand exactly what was required, and I needed to ask in a way that a non-programmer would understand. Added to this was an atmosphere of animosity between the users and the programmers, which made communication a little difficult!

Very early in my programming career I wrote a program for one of the people in the finance department – lets call him Jim. I got some information from Jim about what he wanted and set to work. It took me a week to write and test the program and when it was ready, I rang Jim and let him know. He had to wait until after the weekend to receive the new report because the computer was so slow that any extra programs must be run at quiet times, like overnight or weekends. So he waited patiently (or more likely impatiently), until Monday for his report.

Monday rolled along and I got a phone call from Jim, shouting something like, “It’s not #$?!!#@ working! The stupid computer is broken! I wanted it sorted by part within supplier and it’s coming out supplier within part!”

I couldn’t tell Jim but the program was working. It was doing exactly what I had programmed it to do.  A program always does what the programmer programs it to do. Unfortunately, what I had programmed it to do was not what Jim had wanted! It did not produce the results he wanted. My code was wrong.  Eventually when he calmed down I got some more information from him and changed the program so that it produced the results wanted.

Like computers, we run programs. The programs were written by programmers called mother, father, teacher, and society in general. The programs do what they wanted us to do at the time. We “work” exactly as we were programmed. The programs we run produce results. If the results you are getting now as a mature adult are unpleasant or not useful for you, then you can change the program.

How do you change the program? First step is to realise that you are running programs. Once you are aware of that, the next step will become available to you

Before I left my job in 1987 the company  introduced personal computers for each department. Teaching the users to use their own personal computer was the most enjoyable work I did during my time at that company. They learned how to produce their own reports, make changes and get the results they wanted. In a way I’m still doing that job. I work with people who run programs and get results and I show them how to change those programs to get the results they want!

Is there something you want to do?

| Mairead

One of my friends, Laura, has returned from her second trip this year on the old pilgrim’s way in Spain called the Camino. Laura initially was due to travel with her friends but work commitments meant they had to cancel, so she travelled alone. This was the first time since she got married that she ever needed to travel alone, other than to work related conferences or seminars. Therefore the experience of going abroad alone was not familiar and it wasn’t attractive. Although she did want to go, she was apprehensive about going solo. Anyway, she took her courage in her hands and booked the ticket four days before her flight.

And that’s when she started to panic.

She was able to recall (vividly) every story she’d ever heard of a lone traveler who came to a gruesome end. In an effort to calm herself she started to tell her friends and family how she felt. But far from calming her they were able to provide even more terrifying stories, with definitive advice that she should not go!

Added to this (or maybe because of this) she wasn’t sleeping well, so that by the time she got to Dublin airport she was exhausted and on edge! On the flight things did get a little better because she sat down beside a lovely couple and had a very interesting conversation. That is, until she told them what she was about to do and they had some more stories with bad endings! As the huge cabin door swung open Laura thought the best thing might be to remain on the plane. Of course she couldn’t….. so she got out. Saying goodbye to the couple she set off with her belongings for the next five days (including walking poles) on her back and went to find her bus. There was still time do she stopped at a little cafe, got a coffee and settled herself. As she was about to sip her coffee, there was a loud clatter – both her walking poles lay in a heap blocking the aisle between tables. Embarrassed and annoyed at herself for being incompetent she bent down to pick them up. At the same moment someone else was reaching for the poles, and as happens, smiles were exchanged and conversation began.

“Are you doing the Camino?”

“Yes, you too?”

These were the first words for days that brought calm. For the next four days the two walkers kept each other company. Although some of the walking was difficult it was made easier by the companionship. companionship that just turned up when it was needed.

Since that trip Laura has gone back again – alone – and this time company was provided again. The difference this time was that she found that although she loved talking and listening to the many people she met she knew she didn’t need them to stay with her or to be there for her, she knew she could let them go or she could go and more company would be provided.

In case this sounds a little selfish in the retelling please be assured when the story was told to me I heard only selflessness. The selflessness of allowing others to be themselves and to enjoy them being that without the need to ‘steal’ their time.

Laura is planning to complete the Camino (all 890 kilometers of it!) at her own pace and in her own lifetime.  Alone or not she now knows whatever she needs will be provided.

Coincidentally Mike, a friend I’ve known for a long time called while I was writing this post. I met Mike when he was my boss in a software company, his job was to turn me into a programmer! Since then his life has changed a lot. In 2002 he was a software development manager but now he’s got a psychology degree and works as a counsellor. This isn’t the normal progression of a career in software! It’s also not the way to go to have a normal progression of salary for a man with three teenage children.

Mike was made redundant. He paid off a loan with the lump sum; cancelled his life insurance, his pension and his health insurance; he took a part-time job, and decided to pursue a career in something that had come to his attention by accident.

It’s a terrifying story!

I’m making it sound quick by putting it into one sentence, but it took time and there were lots of scary moments. He says he didn’t have a lot of choice, there wasn’t enough money to pay for the luxury of insurance.

“There was only enough for what was needed right now, not what we might need in the future.”

Then he remembers he did have some choice. He could have gone back to a former employer in software and got a full-time job but he didn’t. In software all he could look forward to was retiring, with this new career he was looking forward to every day for the rest of his life.

Even though they had very little money and no ‘guarantee’ that they were protected from what might happen he knew that his (and his family’s) new quality of life was better than it had been. He recalls going for a walk one day after dinner with his wife and noticing the commuters coming out of the train station looking weary and hungry, and he knew he was doing the right thing for him.

And as time passed money came in from unlikely sources and they always had enough. The one near crisis for his teenagers was when they were going to have to sell the car, but in the end the car stayed and the crisis was averted! They now manage to run two cars – without the ‘BIG’ job.

When Laura wanted to go walking on the Camino, she began a journey, she did the things she needed to do to get there (even when she was afraid), and what she needed was provided. Incidentally, one of the things she hung onto in the four terrifying days before the flight was the encouragement she got from people who had travelled the Camino. People who had the courage to begin their journey.

When Mike went to an information day with a relationship counselling organisation as a favour to his wife, he found something he really wanted to do and he began a journey. When he was made redundant, he got an opportunity to make a choice. He did the things he needed to do to get where he wanted to go (even though he had to trust without a guarantee that he and his family would survive financially). And what he needed was provided. One of the things provided was his supportive and encouraging wife, June. Mike says “I couldn’t have done it without her.” And he didn’t have to.

Is there something you want to do? Would it be useful to trust that what you need will come (even if only just in time)? Do you want to start that journey today? Is there someone who has made that journey before? Are you willing to do what you need to do when you need to do it?

I don’t want to feel calm when I have no money!

| Mairead

It’s a beautiful day outside as I write. In the past it was for days like this, that I waited to feel content. Seems strange now but its the truth for me.

At that time I didn’t know but I was getting up and checking the weather and then deciding how I would feel on a given day. I didn’t even know that I had a choice. If I did, why would I ever choose to feel less than content? (Funny enough sometimes I would choose to feel miserable.)

Of course I’m simplifying it by saying it was just the weather that I checked. There were lots of checks! What do you check? Just this morning a friend told me that he always felt down if the cash flow wasn’t good. So I guess he checked how much money he had and if it was enough (whatever that was on the day) he could choose to feel well otherwise he chose to feel down. At the time it struck me that his cash flow was more important to him than his state of mind. Money was his priority; how he felt, had to be decided on afterwards. This is not unusual, lots of people do it, but is it useful?

Surely our state of mind is more important than money or the weather or the other stuff we can’t change? I can change my state of mind. I can choose the state I want for this moment. You can too. Consider a moment in time when the weather was fine and you were feeling content/calm/peaceful/glad/joyful (choose any), take a deep breath and enjoy. If you’ve chosen to follow those instructions then you’ve chosen your state of mind. Would you like to consider a time (real or imagined) when you had enough money and you’re feeling content/calm/peaceful/glad/joyful or whatever. Again, take a deep breath and enjoy.

When you do this every day some things become clear. For me – it wasn’t my circumstances that made me happy/sad/glad. I realised it is possible to separate my circumstances from my state of mind.

Let’s play around with that concept with imagination: On a really wet day, for a moment add in happy; with nothing in your purse, for a moment add in calm; your boss/mother/spouse is in front of you pointing out your faults, for a moment add in peaceful. And for that moment it works. So maybe it could work for every moment. (Remember earlier I mentioned that sometimes I used to choose to feel miserable? Did you notice at any point during this playing that you thought “but, I don’t want to feel calm when I’ve no money” or “I can’t feel peaceful when ….etc”, if you did then you’re choosing to feel not-calm, not-peaceful, so we understand each other?)

It’s simple isn’t it? Well it is, but it’s not easy! It’s not a quick fix, it’s a life’s work, but it is possible.

Do it soon, it could be the start of your life’s work!

Stop asking yourself “Why am I so Stupid?”

| Mairead

Watched a movie called The Fastest Indian on DVD last week. It’s about a guy called Burt Munro from New Zealand who had a dream to set a land speed record on his Indian motorbike across the salt flats in Utah. It’s based on a true story and set in the 1960’s.
In his sixties himself, Burt had perfected his bike to run at speeds above 100 mph, so he worked his passage from New Zealand as cook aboard a ship on route to California. In the end the bike went even faster and the record Burt set is still unbroken over 40 years later.

Anthony Hopkins plays Burt, and really nicely introduces us to a friendly man, with his own ideas and a determination to follow his dream.

He reminds me of my daughter!

I attended a workshop recently where the learning is experiential and particularly about seeing the big picture first. Only then do get to notice the little bits and pieces and to put those bits and pieces into your own jigsaw puzzle. For me this is a very different way to learn and I sometimes struggle and fight with it. But when my picture starts to emerge it is both magnificent and solid.

What’s emerging for me at the moment is the connection between the movies, The Fastest Indian and The Shadow of the Moon and the concept of dealing with problems. In the past when there was something bothering me I thought about it, figured out what I had done wrong, figured out what that meant about me and about others and about life, asked myself over and over “Why did I do …?’, wrote about it, talked to others about it and in general felt terrible about it. I had been doing this for years and had ‘perfected’ my problem-based strategy!

Then I learned a possibility-based strategy. This is where you start at your best and you deal with everything from that place. So, I learned how to use this nearly three years ago, and I am learning to understand it slowly, since then.

Today another piece of my jigsaw fell into place.

When I saw In the Shadow of the Moon (see Recent Post) it had a very strong impact on me. As in life the details of this impact slowly unfold…

When President John F Kennedy predicted that the USA would land a man on the moon and return him safely within the decade he set up a goal for his country and particularly for the men and women who worked in the space program.

The Apollo artifacts in a museum in Cape Canaveral are very flimsy. The pod they parachute down to earth in looks like its made of golden tin foil. The processing ability of the computers they used then is no more powerful than a calculator (just a little heavier!)

Yet… they did it.

Burt Munro had a dream to set a land speed record with his Indian motorbike. When manufactured, this motorbike’s maximum speed was about 50 miles per hour. He worked on it for hours every day, making new parts out of scraps of metal smelted in a pot in the run-down shed where he lived. He used his neighbour’s carving knife to turn his ordinary tyres into high-speed tyres.

Yet…. he did it. Funny enough both stories are set in the 1960’s, but that’s not the link.

When the astronauts and space craft builders were starting to create something that would go to the moon their space ships kept exploding. Lots and lots of problems. I’m not sure but I’m guessing they didn’t spend a lot of time criticising themselves for getting it wrong AGAIN. If they had spent the time going over and over what they did wrong they may never have got to the moon. Their timeframe was set, they had to do the job within 9 years. (Because President Kennedy said they would….)

So they had to look for ways around their problems.

Burt had many, many problems – the biggest – he didn’t have enough money to go to America, was solved by his friends. But when he got to Utah he realised that he could not enter the trials – he hadn’t registered. He didn’t beat himself up and use his energy asking “Why am I so stupid?” His timeframe was set, the event would be over in 3 days.

He looked for ways around his problems.

Both the people in the space program and Burt Munro kept the dream in sight and looked for ways around the problems. All the time assuming they would make it to the moon or to the line drawn across the salt flats in Utah.

Stop wasting your life beating yourself up for doing something wrong. Stop asking yourself Why am I so stupid? Use your problems as feedback to find a way around them, That didn’t work, what else could I try or how could I do this another way? Use the energy saved to keep your moon in view.

By the way, it’s not the dream that’s all that important, they come and go. But the dream is really, really useful because….. in that direction lies your bliss. But that’s another story!

A message for all those who have teenage daughters.

| Mairead

We went to see Juno last week.
It’s a story about a 16 year-old girl, Juno, who gets pregnant, and her journey through the pregnancy and birth and beyond. What’s different about this version of an old story is the comedy, “Yeah, I’m a legend. You know, they call me the cautionary whale.”

It begins with Juno drinking a quart of Sunny D in preparation for her 3rd pregnancy test of the day. All the tests were performed on site in the ‘restroom’ of a grocery shop, with a lot of input from the shopkeeper. “You better pay for that pee-stick when you’re done with it. Don’t think it’s yours just because you marked it with your urine!”

Juno is different. She doesn’t fit the norm and neither does the boy she picks to ‘experiment’ with. “As far as boyfriends go, Paulie Bleeker is totally boss. He is the cheese to my macaroni.”

I loved her Dad – there’s a scene where he and Juno’s step-mum are alone together having just been told by Juno that she’s pregnant. They’re in shock and the step-mum says something like “Did you see that coming when she said she had something to tell us?” and the Dad says “Yeah, but I was hoping she was expelled, or into hard drugs.”.
Please don’t tell my offspring but I’ve had thoughts like these. Where the one thing you feared was true became the worst possible outcome and you choose a “better” option. But if sanity had been around on that day there’s no way you’d ever, ever want that “better” option.

It’s a love story. A geeky looking boy, Paulie, in the light of Juno’s love becomes a really lovely guy who, although he wears awful running shorts, steps up to supports Juno when she needs him. “Juno: I think I’m, like, in love with you. Paulie: You mean as friends? Juno: No, I mean, like, for real. ‘Cause you’re, like, the coolest person I’ve ever met, and you don’t even have to try, you know… Paulie: I try really hard, actually. ”

This is a movie with a message for all those who have teenage daughters – they’ll be fine. And, for all those who have teenage sons – they’ll be fine. And for all those who are teenagers – you are fine. And for all those who were teenagers – it turned out fine, didn’t it?

Talking to a friend last weekend as we walked in beautiful sunshine along a path called the Cliff Walk helped me see this. My friend and her husband had spent many sleepless nights wondering what they were going to do for their teenage daughter who was failing to succeed. And guess what? Now ten years later all is fine! It didn’t take ten years for it to be fine, but maybe it takes a long time before we look back. She’s successful in a way that the parents could not have foreseen.

Sometimes sleep is all you can do, because sleepless nights help no one!

Sometimes we get involved in the business of our ‘children’ when all they need is an interested observer with lots of money (not really!) and an ability to listen.

In the recent past as an adult I have begun to do the things that were too fearful to consider at the normal age. For instance, 2 years ago I learned to swim. Now, we’re not talking about the graceful art of gliding through the water. This was learning to be comfortable in water and move through that water anyway I could, except walking. I learned at my own pace, I pacing myself for about 10 years. I had got to the point of holding the bar and putting my face in the water. Letting go of that bar was impossible. If I let go of that bar then I would be lost, like Alice down the rabbit hole. I was holding tight to past experiences in water.

Like the time I went to swimming lessons in the next town and as a good girl put my face in the water when the instructor told me, but somehow the message to hold my breath never got through and I took in water. Then on school tour where I felt so comfortable with my friends that I jumped into the pool with them and couldn’t stop choking up water. And again when my children were small and we went to a water park and I decided it was time to be brave and risk the big slide. Halfway down I decided this wasn’t such a good idea and if there had been a way I would have jumped over the side rather than go into the water. There was no way, it ended with choking on water again.

But something about the water kept calling me back.

I was in the middle of swimming lessons again when I attended a great workshop. There’s an exercise on the last day about doing something you want to do in the next three months. My choice was swimming. Within three months I was floating with my hands off the bar and my feet off the ground, I had sourced a one-to-one swimming teacher and I had started my learning with purpose. And something I didn’t expect – I loved the water. When I was floating and eventually doing a crawl I felt like I was flying.

Now I’ve taken up singing lessons…..

As an adult I don’t even consider that someone will be pushing me to keep going because they think it’s important. Or that someone will be disappointed if I give up. I go at it at my own pace. At my own pace something else comes to play, and I play with that. The joy of the task at hand is lovely.

Getting a good leaving cert, or a distinction in music exams, or a championship medal are types of success, but there are many more, which one will you be thinking about in your death bed?
Sometimes our kids mistake our interest in getting the best for them as the goal they must achieve, as the one way they must go, as the only option to be in this world.
Sometimes we mistake our experience as the truth, the only truth, the only way. Sometimes the truth is invisible to us and only visible to those who are involved and have to step up to meet it.

Ok, maybe learning to swim did take me a long time, but I had the time…… What’s the hurry?

What are you like at your best?

| Mairead

My husband and I go to the movies every Monday night. Its our date-night! We flip-flop between art-house and Hollywood. By art house I mean going to a small theatre ten minutes from our house, where we can have a glass of wine before the movie but nothing during it. Also, there’s no choice, we see the movie that’s on this week or we go home (or we go to Hollywood). Hollywood means we can have wine, soft drinks, sweets, tacos or popcorn, before during or even after the movie and we get a choice of about eight movies. The art-house movies are varied and different and could be from almost any country in the world and in any language (plus English subtitles). The Hollywood movies are, generally, from The USA, the UK or sometimes Ireland.

Last Monday night we choose art-house. The movie was called In the Shadow of the Moon. It was a collection of interviews (well, face to camera, with no interviewer, whatever that’s called?) with the surviving astronauts from the Apollo missions of the 60’s and 70’s, and also a huge amount of video footage from that time.

Last year our family had the opportunity to visit Cape Canaveral in Florida and I was really enthralled by the exhibition of the Apollo artifacts. There was just something about that time and about their efforts to follow a dream with only the equivalent computer processing power of a calculator!

In the movie the men told of their experiences on the space program. The interviews were shot really close-up, making it possible to see all the lines and shadows of their faces. In the beginning I found this distracting, then a funny thing started to happen. As the movie progressed there were times when the screen was split down the middle showing on one half an astronaut telling about some work he did as part of the mission while the other half showed him as a young man doing that work, full of seriousness, energy and life. That’s when I became aware of a more complete picture of an old man and the faces became beautiful to me.

There was one man who was my favourite – Mike Collins. He was a member of the Apollo 11 team, the one that landed on the moon. While Neil Armstrong and Buzz Aldrin got to do the walk Mike Collins circled the moon and picked them up to go home. I got the impression that he was the joker of the group and nothing had changed in the intervening 40 years – he’s still very funny. He talked about not wanting to make a mistake (screw-up), especially in front of “three billion people”.

Mike said at one point that he was on the dark side of the moon and on the other side was Neil and Buzz and the earth with all it’s inhabitants. On his side there was only him and yet he didn’t feel alone, he felt part of everything. That was something that came up a few times – being a part of something bigger. Mike and Neil and Buzz did a tour of the world after their moon tour and Mike said people saw their success as the world’s success also. In different counties they told him “We did it!”, and they meant the human race did it, we made it to the moon.

Working with people one of the questions I ask them is “What are you like at your best?”. Some people know straight away and others take a little longer, but when they find their answer and talk about the experience, the effect it has on them is profound. The effect they have on me is also profound, its why I love my work.
If you get a chance go see this movie. Listen to the men talk about their experiences, see their eyes light up and the years fall away when they relive that time. Then think about what you are like when you’re at your best. It may help to think about an activity you love doing, remember the last time you did that activity. It can be as simple as walking the dog, driving the car or maybe you went to the moon! It’s not the activity that’s important it’s how you are when you experience it. Experience it again, in your mind, now. Let go and fly back there. When you can do this you are connecting with you – the you without all the other stuff attached. By other stuff I mean your daily life, family, work, bills, problems……. The funny thing is that from here its easier to deal with the other stuff, because it’s not part of you, it’s just stuff.

The thing I didn’t realise was President John F Kennedy made a speech in 1961 telling the American nation that he wanted to land a man on the moon and bring him home safely before the decade was out. At the time of his speech all the rockets being tested were exploding. This did not prevent the men in this movie from joining the program and putting their lives on the line for a dream. Apollo 11 landed on the moon in July 1969, within the time limit set by a man who was by then dead. Somehow having a goal and a time frame allowed them to go beyond what they thought possible.

In 1969 when I was 8 and my Mum insisted that I watch the news to see a man stand on the moon, I wasn’t interested. So she told me it was important because no one had ever done that before and you never know the moon might just fall down! That got me watching and I’m glad now that I was one of the three billion people around the world who heard Neil Armstrong say “One small step for man, one giant leap for mankind”.

What are YOU like at your best?