acceptance

Honeymoon in Edinburgh.

| Mairead

Scottish Flag

(The Scottish Flag)

We arrived in Edinburgh on Saturday afternoon. Twenty five years after we had planned to get there…. I wanted to go to Edinburgh for my honeymoon and Denis was happy to go too! But we never made it. At the time Denis was working on a cutting edge project. (Bear in mind it was 1985, cutting edge then looks boringly ordinary now.) It was also a secret project. Even from me. I had no idea what he did at work except he liked it. I soon found out.

1Edinburgh Castle

(Edinburgh Castle)

Unfortunately our honeymoon clashed with a very important work deadline. I was twenty four at the time and very set in my ways about the world, love came before deadlines and my honeymoon came before everything. Then his boss made me an offer I couldn’t refuse.

1Kilt

(They wear knee socks under their kilts)

I was invited to a meeting in his office, where I had to sign a non-disclosure agreement before the secret project was revealed to me. I think he thought if I knew how amazing the project was I would happily give up my honeymoon. I must have been ahead of my time because I thought it was boringly ordinary then. But the boss had daughters and he must have had an inkling that I would need a different kind of motivation. His offer: instead of Edinburgh he would pay for a honeymoon in New York and even throw in a trip to Disney World in Florida, but it would be a month after the wedding and Denis would be in New York for that month.

1Quote

(“Work as if you live in the early days of a better nation.” Alasdair Gray.)

That did it, we went to New York for our honeymoon. So a month after our wedding I was sitting beside the boss’s wife on my way to New York on my honeymoon. Sometimes we think we know exactly what we want and then something even better comes along. Maybe the thing you can’t have now will be yours in twenty-five years time or not at all, but something even more amazing can be yours right now….. the perfect exam results for the magical relationship, the perfect partner for a relationship with yourself, the perfect honeymoon for the thrills of Dumbo.

Take a look at what’s on offer to you right now, Mairead.

Look! It’s the break light!

| Mairead

3

(Graffiti in cafe toilet – I didn’t write it)

I’ve uncovered another of my patterns and this one is big (for me). I’ve been working away for the past month on productivity. I’ve read the book, Getting Things Done by David Allen. I’ve had sessions with my friend Ashleigh. I’ve started using the PomodoroPro. I’ve devised a schedule with thirty minute time slots. My diary was full of next thing to do’s. I had three weeks of amazing productivity.

1

(Rowing on the Liffey in Dublin, with the Ha’penny Bridge in the background)

And then I crashed. I’ve been tired and motivation-less since last Thursday. I know this is a pattern… it was pointed out to me that I do this regularly. What do I do? I drive myself forward, paying no attention to the vehicle I am driving. I run out of fuel. The vehicle stops. For the duration of my life the vehicle is my body. I do feed my body and lately I feed it well, but I have not been paying attention. A light on the dashboard was flashing and I ignored it. It was the “break” light. When I pay no attention, I don’t know it’s time to rest. To take a break, a siestas, some free time, do some day dreaming, be at ease.

2

(Scary but true)

There are probably lots of reasons why this is my pattern. As with all patterns, it starts because it’s necessary and it works. There is a clue as to why it continues. It’s part of my normal thinking, something I didn’t realise….. I think taking a break is unfair, unless you work exceedingly hard and I experience extreme shame when I take a break unless I am exhausted. The good news is that it’s like my “I have to eat meat every day” belief – crazy but normal for me. And as we saw with the meat belief once you become aware of your normal thinking it’s possible to let it go.

I’ll be taking baby steps with this one, step, rest, step, sit down, up we get , step, Mairead.

Little Chick’s Story

| Mairead

(A perfect seed ball)

Once upon a time there was a little chick who went in search of adventure. She travelled to the sea shore and found a beautiful turtle shell. She put it on and wore it everyday for months. Everyone she met said how lovely she looked and little chick was delighted with the attention.

(I’m heading for…)

But deep inside little chick was tired and weary and fed-up. The shell was heavy and it was hard to see where she was going so she often bumped into things. One day she decided to take it off….. but as soon as she did she felt naked and put it right back on again. Then she sat down to cry, “now what’ll I do?”

(At the Natural History Museum, a pearl from Galway)

As she was crying an old hen who was passing came over to little chick and asked “What’s wrong little chick?” Little chick explained that she didn’t want to be in a shell anymore, but when she took it off she felt naked. “Oh that’s not a problem, let’s go down to the lake and sort this out.”

(Happy orange juice)

So the two birds waddled down to the lake, said a quick “Hi!” to the other animals and found a quiet spot. Then the old hen said “Ok, little chick, look into the water, what do you see?” Little chick looked in and said, “A beautiful turtle shell.”

“Great, now take off the turtle shell and look into the water again.”

(Sailboats off Greystones… rocks)

“No, no I can’t look, I’m naked.” squeaked the little chick. But the old hen insisted and when the little chick looked into the water she couldn’t believe her eyes. In the water she could see a beautiful yellow fluffy chick, powerful in her chickness! She twisted and turned to see herself from every angle and smiling she asked old hen, “How can this be, I’m beautiful?”

(I have no idea what these are?)

Old hen said “You’ve been wearing that old turtle shell for so long it felt like home but it wasn’t. It was covering up a beautiful you. Just because you feel naked doesn’t mean you are naked! Now, off you go and live the life of a beautiful, proud, powerful, smiling little chick!”

And little chick did just that.

Happy Bank Holiday Monday (Ireland), Mairead.

Raindrops

| Mairead

(Rain on the red flowers in the front garden….)

I was out walking in the rain today. Not really by choice, I had some things I needed to do. I was wearing a raincoat and a hat and a skirt. Sorry men, but a skirt is the most comfortable thing to wear when it’s raining. It doesn’t stick to your legs and when you get into the car you can turn it around and not be sitting on the wet bit…. comfy! So I was dressed to withstand the downpour. But I’m not usually.

(Very wet rain)

I was wondering about that. The fact that I know it rains a lot here and yet I don’t usually go out prepared for rain. Am I crazy? What’s that about? Never mind, the result is I’m wet and miserable and I don’t notice all the lovely things going on around me. Not useful.

(Rain on the things that grow from the big plant….)

How might I improve on this? What if I start acting as if it rains a lot in Ireland – by bringing an umbrella and a hat and a coat and a skirt? Or by wearing the motorbike rain gear all the time? Both those solutions are grand but it’s all a little heavy to carry around in my handbag.

(Rain on the lovely looking leaves….)

There is one other solution. I could let go of resisting the thing that’s already happening and consider getting rained on as a nice enjoyable thing,or just a thing that’s happening.  When I get home I could change into the dry skirt and hat and maybe even the coat (in case I’m a little chilly). Less to carry around, nice attitude to be feeling, probably good for health. The great thing is, there’ll be plenty of opportunities to practice letting go of resistance (with all the rain, I mean).

Embrace your rain (whatever it is…), Mairead.

Going Away Party

| Mairead

(“Just dump everything on the bed, we’ll sort it out after the party”)

Today I’m tired. We went to Cashel, my home town, at the weekend. My sister was throwing a party. A going-away party. She’s going away. To Canada. To follow her heart. With her husband and her daughter. My brother-in-law and my niece. My mother’s daughter, son-in-law and grandchild. My daughter’s aunt, uncle and cousin. The list could go on and on, because there were eighty adults and numerous children at that party who are related to or are very good friends with, my sister, her husband and their daughter.

(There are pretty doors in Ireland too)

Always, when we follow our heart, there are consequences. But we still have to follow our heart. Because the consequences of not following your heart are far worse. Living your life to maintain the status quo, to ensure that others are not disturbed, is not living “your” life.

(Just a quick snack before the party)

“Your” life is full to bursting with the possibilities, the dreams and the hopes of your heart. And the world needs those possibilities and dreams and hopes. And you’re the only one that can provide them….. like the poster says “We Need You!” And that applies to YOU whether you’re twenty-five or seventy-five, or older or younger or anything in between!

(My mother grows beautiful roses)

So although I’m tired and a little sad, I am also happy that my little sister and brother-in-law and niece are sharing the possibilities and dreams and hopes of their hearts with the world. They inspire me to do the same.

And….. I get to visit Canada!

Share yourself, Mairead.

Stormy Seas

| Mairead

(Here comes trouble)

There we were sitting happily in our cabin about 9pm on Wednesday, last week. Me typing my blog, Denis doing something work-ish. And the captain comes on the speaker with the warning that things would be a little rough during the night and he was sorry…. We made a little joke and went back to our important little tasks.

(That huge truck reversed all the way off the ship!)

Well… it’s hard to believe any warnings of bad weather when the sky is blue, the sea is flat and you’re on your way home after holidays. So we didn’t…  we didn’t believe him. Not that believing him would have helped. We had met two bikers on the way onto the ship and had discussed the various sea-sickness options. They favoured the drugs while I was going for the bands around the wrist, Denis doesn’t get sea-sick so he wasn’t involved in the conversation. Anyway, that was all before the captain started predicting the future. As he spoke I realised my sea-sickness wrist bands were still down on the bike and all the doors were locked! We didn’t know which cabin the bikers with the drugs were…. but as I didn’t believe the captain’s warnings I wasn’t too bothered.

(Greystones on the map and off the map)

It wasn’t until two o’clock in the morning that I became bothered.

My beliefs started to shift…. as the ship was shifting, with the wind. But I was lying down, it was dark and very easy to imagine I was a child again and my brother was gently pushing me on a swing. By six am he was pushing too hard and I wanted to get off.

(More Irish clouds)

Imagine with me if you will, toss, rock, toss, rock, bang. Where the bang is the best bit because at least it’s solid? Then it would stop and…. the moment before you think maybe it’s over… it starts again. I lay there, eyes closed completely present to every movement, I had no other option, because as soon as I thought of anything else I felt frightened and sick. I couldn’t even complain to Denis because talking made me feel sick (it’s an ill wind……). Never realised how much “work” is involved in thinking, talking and complaining.

(Calm Seas)

I wanted the storm to calm down.

I started to say the word “calm” over and over and something changed. The storm didn’t stop but my stomach started to relax. And for a brief moment I realised the storm that was really bothering me wasn’t the one outside (although that was disturbing). The big storm was the one inside me. The one that made my stomach clench and tightened lots of other muscles too. Brief moment over, I went back to experiencing the movement….. and started calming the storm inside. Eventually the one inside stopped and later so did the one outside.

(Now I know why they have the cup holders…)

None of us needs to be on a ship to experience the storm inside. Calm….. Calm…… Calm……

Calm, Mairead.