Jellies in the Clay

November 15, 2013November 14, 2013 | Mairead

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(Even more pictures from Powerscourt)

I ordered some clay last week. I want to start making ceramics again. Not sure what yet, but I am sure I want to use porcelain. So I went to the most popular website and looked up porcelain paper clay. It has paper in with the clay and I really liked the result I got with it. There were a few different porcelain clays so I took a guess and picked one. The delivery details said it would take two days to arrive. I waited patiently. Actually, I waited impatiently.

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(One green leaf among the brown)

It arrived on Tuesday, while I was walking in the leaves at Powerscourt. A big box was sitting on the kitchen table when I returned, it was waiting patiently for me. Our big scissors is in the small cutlery drawer in the kitchen and it would have been the best to use but this was a special moment – my first bag of clay. I have a favourite small black crafting scissors so I used that instead. The box was very securely fastened but eventually my scissors and I found a way inside. My clay had been laid on a bed of shredded cardboard and beside it lay a tiny bag of jellies.

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(Nice shadows)

I took out the bag of clay and enjoyed remembering how very heavy clay is. Then I slowly undid the metal closure and peeped inside. If I had picked the right clay, the clay I wanted to work with, it would be cream coloured. It was. I’m still not completely sure what I want to make so I started with my old friends – buttons. I took out my tin of tools and promptly stuck my thumb with the point of my knife. It might take some time to remember all I’ve forgotten, the feel of the tools, the smell of the clay, the many ways to manipulate this ancient material.

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(I had a great title for this until Pam told me it was a rook, not a crow. Rooks feet?)

So now what? This is the stage of creating that I don’t usually like, where I don’t know what comes next. I’ve been here before and it all worked out fine so I need to trust that it will this time too. I’m going to go slow and take baby steps to the next stage.

In the meantime, I’ll play with the clay and eat the jellies, Mairead.

My (not so) Big Secret

November 14, 2013November 13, 2013 | Mairead

I think I might be suffering from an addiction. Don’t tell anyone. I want to keep this a secret just between us. Ok? You have to promise before reading more…..

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(Photos from Powerscourt, Enniskerry, Co. Wicklow)

So if you’re still reading you have agreed to keep my secret, right? Or are you still reading because you are curious and you will decide later whether or not to keep my secret? Or do you never keep secrets? Well in spite of your silence I’m going to trust that you’ll know best whether or not to keep my secret… since I’ve been foolish enough to tell you….

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(The old fence between the avenue and the golf course)

I am addicted to picking up autumn leaves. There, I’ve said it. I walk around with my head down searching for the perfect examples, then I stop short, drop to the ground and pick them up. I even do this when I’m on a walk with someone else. They’re happily chatting and walking and I’m on the ground picking leaves. I may have missed a few interesting topics of conversation doing this.

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(Seedling on the forest floor)

But the weirdest thing about my addiction is the reason why I can’t seem to stop… but I might just have sussed (old Irish word meaning solved) it. Ok, so come along on a walk with me: We’re on a path bordered by grass and tall trees.The grass is green, the tree trunks are grey with a dusting of green moss towards their bases. They are deciduous trees and their leaves continue to fall all around us as we walk. Our heads are bent down looking for the perfect leaf. We are not talking, we are concentrating. From time to time one of us spots the perfect leaf and drops to the ground, picks it up and has a good look at it.

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Lets say it’s you and you’re now holding a maple leaf, so it has three big pointy bits, two small pointy bits and it’s chubby. Too bad… unfortunately the middle pointy bit is a bit off-center, so you know it’s not perfect. Ah well, you hang onto it anyway because the colour is wonderful and the veins on the underside feel lovely to the touch.

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(Oh the perfect feather?)

We walk on and continue our search but when it’s time to go home we are no nearer to finding the perfect leaf. All the leaves in your hand have little imperfections, same for me. And yet we’re still carrying them. We seem to like them anyway….

There are no perfect leaves, just amazingly beautiful leaves, bit like us then, Mairead.

Head Space – there’s an app for that!

November 12, 2013November 11, 2013 | Mairead

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(Sign from bridge in Mount Usher Gardens… don’t jump, leap)

I’ve started doing meditation. I’ve started many times before but this time I might keep going. So far I’ve completed twenty days. I’m doing it with an app. It’s on my phone and every morning it reminds me that it’s time to get some head space. So I sit down, tap the app and a guy talks me through fifteen minutes of calming words and paying attention to my breathing.

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(They have funny signs…)

Last Friday was about noticing my emotions and then noticing my breathing. He says it’s not that I’m supposed to change anything, just notice. Funny enough when I begin noticing my breathing something changes with my emotions. Not the emotion but the power behind it, it seems to shift back to me. The week before was about noticing discomfort in my body (like pain or irritation or just an itch). When I noticed discomfort there was no need to change it just notice it. I had a slight pain in my shoulder but I figured it was enough to use for the noticing exercise. I think the idea is that we normally resist the discomfort and this makes the discomfort even more uncomfortable. But when we notice or pay attention to the discomfort it comes to the surface of our consciousness and can be released.

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(and a sad sign…)

So I tried it and it was a very different sensation to “feeling” the pain in my shoulder. Noticing the pain in my shoulder doesn’t make my mind wander to Is there something wrong with my shoulder? So, no worry, just curiosity, about that discomfort thing in my shoulder. The pain in my shoulder didn’t go away but the next day when I was noticing for discomfort in my body, my shoulder had less pain than the previous day.

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(and a strong sense of history and the details)

I might just keep doing this kind of meditating, Mairead.

PS The app is called Headspace, the first ten days are free and you can pay by the month or the year after that. I signed up for one month’s worth. Oh and Denis didn’t write it! And they’re not paying me (or him) I just like it and I paid for it… myself… This is getting way too long-winded.

Wounded and Sickly Ego in the Safe Cave

November 11, 2013November 10, 2013 | Mairead

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(All the pictures are from Mount Usher Gardens in Ashford, Co. Wicklow)

I took a week off blogging and I have great excuses, but It’s the excuse that stops me going back to blogging that I want (well, really don’t want) to write about now. So… in general I share on this blog the stuff that’s difficult for me. Normally, the sharing makes me uncomfortable up to a value of 7-ish (that’s out of 10, 10 being death by shame – of my ego.) But this post pushes the discomfort way up to a 9 or 9.5, so I’m feeling (or my ego is feeling) very sick. Like, vomit-inducing sick, so maybe you need to stand back….

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(Path with gate… open the gate)

I had a heart-to-heart conversation last week with someone who shall remain nameless and reads every post I publish. She told me I wrote some nice things but I wasn’t practicing what I preached. First blow to my ego armour. Although wounded (ego, not really) I did realise she meant this as a compliment. Unfortunately, I was too caught up in the shame I didn’t ask which particular nice thing was I not practicing. Instead, I buckled under said shame. The shame of being thought of as someone who preaches, someone who thinks they’re better than others and someone who is being dishonest. Second, third and fourth blow. At that stage I though I might be mortally wounded, so a good time to protect my shame.

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(Path with steps… get ready)

Right so, I figured the best way to protect my shame was to hide. Yep, that feels good. And I have a brilliant hiding idea – I’ll stop the writing. Grand, I can do that. Well, I’d have to because it was beginning to dawn on me that there was probably more than one nice thing I was preaching about and not practicing. Since (I think) I am writing about all the things I find difficult, it’s probably accurate to say that I’m not too good at practicing them. Ok, I’ll stop the writing.

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(Grassy path… soft landing)

So to summarise, I’m talking then, I’m wounded, then mortally wounded, then I go off to hide, I sit in my little cave, safe and sound and everyone lives happily ever after. Not really. There’s a leeetle problem….. sitting in my safe cave I come to realise that the writing (this now potentially dangerous – to ego – activity) is one of my precious things… the things that are really precious to me, the things I really need to share. Oops.

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(Winding path with no end in sight… trust)

I can’t stop the writing… and really, I don’t want to. Instead, I’ll have to come out of my safe cave. I’ll have to find a way to realise that the wounds aren’t real and they aren’t serving me. I’ll have to go out on the ledge, again… on my own.

Just to be clear:

I am telling you how things are for me.

I am not saying I can do this.

I am not saying you should do this.

I am not promising I won’t go back to hiding.

I am saying that practicing this might be too hard for me.

I am saying I’m going to take the first step and only then consider taking another step.

And lastly, I like heart-to-heart talks (even if my ego doesn’t) so the me (when she’s not protecting her ego) thanks the someone who shall remain nameless for giving me this insight. Really, thank you.

I’m not saying I’ll like the next heart to heart though, Mairead.

Show Time

November 1, 2013November 1, 2013 | Mairead

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(This is me crafting last year in Canada)

It’s that time again – Knitting and Stitching Show time! I’m very excited. Tomorrow I will be in a big room with thousands of noisy people milling around and getting in my way. Oh, ok that’s not the bit I’m excited about. I’m excited about the bit with the beautiful art and crafts hanging on the walls. And the experts doing demonstration of things I could potentially do. And the classes where you make nice things with a helpful teacher. And I’m very excited about the all the craft supplies you could want in one place.

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(And in Greystones)

I’ve been going to this show with my mother-in-law (hello Eilish!) for a few years now and we really enjoy ourselves. When we get home we lay out the results of any classes we’ve done, along with our purchases for Denis to admire. And he does a pretty good job of pretending he’s interested. In my pile there’s usually a few books, the kind that inspire you to try something new. So over the years I have a large collection of inspiring craft books. They are beautiful and when I bought them I was very inspired.

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(And again)

But there’s a problem… I never actually made anything.

Well that’s not entirely true, I started to make lots of things. But when they weren’t that good, I stopped. It’s better to stop and try something else, right? So I tried the next thing and the next thing but I was always unsatisfied with the outcome. And after a few weeks I stopped setting time aside to make… anything. I ignored the inspiration from the beautiful books and went back to filling my time with should do and have to do stuff.

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(And again…. this past year has been a craft heaven)

This year it’s different! Not the buying the books bit – I’m still buying the books. The difference is I use the books and I set aside time to make the things I am inspired to make. And I let go of getting it right first time… or even second time… or… well, I just keep practicing.

Vincent Van Gogh sold only one painting in his lifetime but he kept painting. Mairead.

Cooking up a movie… kinda

October 31, 2013October 30, 2013 | Mairead

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(Food pictures from Italy are very inspiring so here’s some Italian pizza…)

The daughter is home for the week and we’re doing a little project I should have done many years ago – passing on the recipes. It’s where your mother shares the recipes all the things you loved to eat as a child. But we never did it. Partly because I’m a reluctant cook – don’t like it. And partly because of something I’m only now becoming aware of – I’m a bit of a control freak in the kitchen. As in, I think I know it all, I think I’m the only one who can cook properly. Oops.

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(and Italian dessert…)

Now that might be why I’m a reluctant cook – I got tired of doing it on my own. Of course all that changed last year when I was attending the art course and I started to share the kitchen with the other food-eaters. But the daughter wasn’t here for that momentous happening, so I’m sharing the kitchen all over again with her.

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(and Italian breakfast)

But she likes a bit of drama and she likes to film things so… she’s filming my sharing. You know how easy it looks on the television, some famous chef shows you how she made such and such a dish? Anyone could do it, right? Ha! No. Turns out it’s not that easy. But it is funny. Not at the time but when we look at the rushes (that’s technical for the unedited shooting) it’s hilarious… and not necessarily in a good way.

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(Seen through a shop window in Venice, Italian paint pigments)

Well, maybe it is in a good way. Like today when I opened the parmesan as it was going into the dish and noticed it was turning an unhealthy shade of green. I looked at the daughter and she raised an eyebrow as I thought about blue cheese and nonchalantly picked out the worst of the green before deciding, not ok. But all the laughter seems to be helping the flavour and we are incredible nice to each other on camera. (Hmmm, interesting, that.) Maybe we’ll have a family recipe movie to pass on to future generations.

If either of us are brave enough to share it. Mairead.

Quiet – the book…

October 30, 2013October 30, 2013 | Mairead

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(Solitude)

I’m reading a really interesting book at the moment. It’s called Quiet by Susan Cain. There’s also a TED talk. She writes about extroverts and introverts and thinks the extrovert personality type has an unfair advantage. The extrovert is seen as the ideal type, which can mean those of us who favour the introvert way of being can seem odd. Cain suggests the world needs introverts to be introverts. Although the words introvert and extrovert are not new to me, it is new to hear that it’s perfectly acceptable, in fact necessary (for an introvert) to be an introvert. No one told me.

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(Old weather-beaten wall)

Cain explains that extroverts are energised when they’re with large groups of people – they love parties, they dislike solitude. Wait a minute… they love parties? And they refuel their energy when surrounded by lots of people. I didn’t know that was even a possibility. While introverts prefer solitude and get energised in nature or alone and they like to chat with one person at a time. Turns out the introverts often push themselves to be more extrovert so that they can fit in or get things done….. like give dinner parties or talk to a committee or whatever. But it is a very tiring activity for introverts to behave in an extroverted way and they need to refuel with space and solitude.

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(Old wood)

I used to be very shy as a child and I remember when I went to college at seventeen making a decision, from that day forward I would be outgoing. It was easy, no one knew me from my previous school and I was good at pretending. So I watched outgoing people and copied them. I enjoyed it and since there were only four girls in a class of eighty I got a lot of attention! I was rewarded well for my efforts, but it was very tiring. I often used to wonder why I didn’t like parties, I thought there was something wrong with me.

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(Old hearts)

It’s okay to love solitude. Mairead.